Reflections of Motherhood

I was talking to my good friend today about how my blog has become very boring for readers outside my family. It has turned from a blog about Jeff and I to a blog about the little girl that has turned our lives into a whole new adventure. The point of my blog is to journal our lives so that our family, especially our kids, can look back and see what they were doing and what they looked like growing up. But, I also want them to know what their mommy and daddy were like and what they went through. So in an attempt to blog about something other than what our little girl is up to, I thought maybe I would take some time to reflect on the ups and downs in the adventures of motherhood! These will probably come out as random thoughts, but my brain isn't quite as organized as it once was!

*I had no idea how hard the first few weeks would be...especially with labor and c-section to recover from. I wish I had just taken all the pain meds prescribed from the beginning instead of trying to be tough. I am SO grateful I had my mom and dad here because if they had only stayed a couple of days, I would have been more of a wreck than I was. I am hopeful that with a planned c-section next time recovery will be slightly easier. I remember sobbing because I was in so much pain physically and sobbing emotionally because I felt so guilty that I had such a hard time just holding my baby. Plus, all the hormone changes don't help!

*I had no idea how difficult it would be emotionally those first few weeks. I know this sounds bad, but I remember when Heidi was going through such a rough time and school was starting and my parents were gone and Jeff was back at work, I would look at Heidi and feel this overwhelming sense of, "this is forever." I felt like I needed help so bad, but didn't know how to ask. It was so weird...especially when school started. I would be sitting rocking Heidi in her room watching the school buses drive past and the crossing guard escort the kids across the street and I kept thinking, "Who am I? I'm not a teacher, I don't feel like a mom and don't know how to be a mom. What am I doing?" It was the strangest, most emotional feeling I have ever felt...it's hard to explain. I just felt lost.

*I remember feeling happy that people wanted to meet Heidi. I was excited to see people, but also stressed. Trying to figure out nursing was hard and having people there complicated it. Plus, I didn't like when she cried in front of people...I still don't. It makes me feel like I am annoying someone.

*Nursing...so hard, but so glad I didn't give up. I was able to give her all breastmilk until about 4 months and little by little she has had to have more formula. I am so proud of myself for making it as long as I have. I hope the next one is easier.

*I learned to stop reading. Stop reading parenting books, blogs, internet sites, etc. etc. They only make me feel inadequate and stressed out. It helped much more to talk to friends about what they did with their kids, etc. All kids are seriously so different and I hate how a lot of the books blanket statement children. They might work for people who have kids that fit that particular model, but all kids do not learn and grow the same! Whenever I would try something and it didn't work, I just felt like it was my fault and I was a failure. Especially those annoying books that tell you it's the parent not the child that is the reason your kids doesn't sleep well, eat well, etc.

*Is it just me or does being a mom make you even more insecure? I have never felt so judged! I know I do it to myself and I am trying to be better but I can't help but compare! "Why can't I get my one child's hair to look cute, when she can get all 4 of hers perfect?" "Why can't I lose the baby weight as fast as so and so?" "Why doesn't my child eat and sleep as good as that child?" and it goes on and on and on! There are so many more things to beat yourself up about!

*I never knew that waking up at 5 or 6 would be so exciting. So exciting that she slept through the night, and so exciting to kiss those cheeks.

*I never knew how much I would love this tiny little thing that requires so much time.

*I never knew how scary it would be when your child got sick.

*I thought crying would be hard, but that really hasn't been hard to be patient with.

*I knew I would have a hard time with having very little sleep, but the only time it was really bad was when she woke up every 30 minutes. Now, every now and then I have to go in, or she will have a bad night where she is up a lot, but it isn't every single night so I don't mind at all. I like feeling that I can comfort her when she is upset, no matter what time it is.

*I am still amazed that my love for her continues to grow. Just when I think my heart is going to explode from loving so much, I love her more.

*I never knew how much I could love a giggle.

*I never thought I would spend so much time thinking about poop...consistency, color, and all that other nastiness.

*I pretty much knew having a baby would be so hard, but for some reason I didn't realize how much it would change the relationship Jeff and I had. At first, it took adjusting, but with time it has become so much easier and I didn't know I could love him more than I already did.

*I felt so isolated at first. I had a cranky baby so I didn't feel I could go anywhere in public because she might explode. Then I felt I couldn't go out because she was sleeping, or needed to nurse, etc. etc. I'm so glad that is getting easier.

*I never knew what a sense of accomplishment and relief I would have after teaching Heidi to nap in her crib. I felt so guilty for so long, but she seriously was not ready until she was about 6 and a half months old...believe me, I tried many, many, many, many, many times!

*I have learned that time goes way too quickly. Even in the beginning when it was so hard, I miss. I LOVE the stage she is at now, but I hate that she is growing so fast.

*I never used to be a germ freak until now.

*My house is not as clean as I thought it would be and dinner isn't ready for Jeff as soon as he gets home every day, and I am not running as far as I had hoped I would be by now, and I still hate the way I look and the way my body looks and the way my hair is falling out, but I'm working on getting better. We can't all be perfect in one day (or at least that's what I tell myself).

*I never knew how much I could dislike winter. I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE! Anytime it is even sort of nice we walk and walk and walk and walk and then nothing gets done in the house, but thankfully Jeff doesn't seem to care that much.

*Sometimes I panic that I am turning 30 and only have one kid. I don't really know why, except that I would like to space my kids but may not be able to space them as far as I would like. Not that I want 10 kids, but you know.

So there you have it. Random thoughts from a new mom. There is nothing I want more than to be a good mom and wife and sometimes I feel that I am failing miserably but maybe if I just get a little better every day I will sort of rock at it before they leave the house...or at least be better than I am today!