*I never knew how much my heart could love two different little people so much. I was so worried when Savanna came that I wouldn't love her as quickly as I loved Heidi. When I finally got to hold her I knew it wouldn't take very long.
*I feel guilty all the time. I can't spend every second of every day talking to, playing with, and reading to Savanna like I did Heidi. I can't always feed Savanna the second she needs it or put her down for her nap at just the right time. When I am spending time with Savanna, I feel guilty that I am not giving Heidi one on one attention and vice versa. It is so hard!! Sometimes I just wish there was two of me. I constantly feel I am not meeting the needs of one of them.
*I don't feel nearly as isolated as I thought I would. Due to the horrible cold and flu season we have pretty much been staying home as much as possible. We live in a new town and I don't have a lot of friends, but keeping up with the house and the girls seems to keep my mind from getting down.
*Going anywhere is almost more trouble than it's worth. I hate going anywhere because it takes longer to get the girls ready and buckled than it does to actually get some place.
*Ever since Savanna joined our family, Heidi seems so grown up. I can't believe how much she has changed in two and a half years. It seems like yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital. This realization makes me want more than ever for time to just slow down!! As hard as some days are, I absolutely love, love, love having little ones around. I am trying so hard to live in the moment and appreciate each little stage.
*Nighttime is the most exhausting part of the day! It seems like one kid is crying and the other is screaming! Heidi is usually throwing a fit about how she doesn't want to take a bath. The poor girl is just so picked on. Savanna is usually screaming her head off because she is tired and wants to sleep but I am desperately trying to keep her awake so she will go to bed at the right time. And of course, both girls only want mom at this time of night! Luckily Savanna likes her bath and I have been putting her in the tub at the same time as Heidi. Thankfully once baths are done Heidi is usually happy as a clam an plays happily with her dad while I get Savanna settled down. I am also thankful that Heidi has never fought going to bed (knock on wood). She has always loved a routine and once we read scriptures and say prayers she jumps in her bed.
*As I have said before, Savanna is really not the most stellar sleeper. This time around it is so much easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I am totally and completely exhausted every. single. day.--and the giant bags under my eyes prove it! It's amazing how your body adjusts to so little sleep though. One look at Savanna's huge grin in the morning reminds me how much I love her. She is just growing so incredibly fast and I know at some point she will be able to sleep. So for now, I just try to focus on other things besides lack of sleep!
*I feel like I can't keep up with anything!! No project ever seems to get completely finished! As soon as I finish cleaning the kitchen, Heidi will have spilled something all over the floor, or pulled every pot and pan out. The second the toy room is clean all the stuffed animals magically appear again. If I start dinner it's a guarantee Savanna will wake up just as I start to cut the chicken. When Jeff gets home I am sure he wonders what in the world I do all day long.
*I still miss teaching, but I can't even imagine having a full time job and being a mom. I feel so incredibly grateful that I have the opportunity to stay home. I am so glad I don't have to drop them off anywhere or miss one single thing they do. Perhaps there will be a time later when I can go back to my career if I want to, but for now, I am so, so, so happy that I get to be at home. I don't feel as torn as I used to about not being a teacher. I know that my girls need me right now and there is no place I would rather be.
*Having two kids has made it even harder for Jeff and I to have time together, but having kids has also connected us in such a wonderful way. Jeff is the only person in the world who loves these little girls as much as I do. Watching him play with our girls has only made my love for him grow. Heidi and Savanna are so lucky to have a dad like him. No one can make Heidi laugh as hard as he can. I love how he plays with her and talks to her and tells her how cute she is. I love watching him try desperately to get Savanna to laugh and how patiently he carries her around singing to her during the bedtime routine while I am trying to get Heidi in her pajamas.
I really feel so blessed to have these little girls in my home. I want nothing more than to be a good mom and most days I feel like I am failing miserably. I wish I had more time and more hands! I blame myself for everything that they haven't mastered yet. I wonder if there will ever come a time when Heidi won't scream the second she thinks I am leaving. I worry so much about Savanna not having enough attention. I worry she won't be as verbal as Heidi. I just hope they feel loved and will forgive me for all of my shortcomings. I am so lucky I get to be their mom and I hope they will always know how much I love them.
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