life lessons

I've had this nagging feeling that I need to write this post.  Maybe the girls will need to read it one day or maybe it's something that I will need to re-read at some point.  Or maybe there is no reason.  Either way, I can't get the feeling off my mind so I will do my best to put into words my feelings and emotions...something that doesn't come very easily to me.

When Jeff and I got married, I assumed he would finish his degree and find a job in Utah.  I don't think he really even tried to find something there now that I think back.  When he was offered the job in Wyoming and was so excited about it, I couldn't really imagine doing anything else because he was so excited about it.  Wyoming wasn't where I wanted to be, but it made him happy and he loved his job so I made the most of getting out of my comfort zone.  Of course I came to really enjoy living there and I guess I just figured once we had our house built and were settled and Jeff had a stable job, that was home.  I was comfortable.  I had good days and bad days.  I was starting to get a good group of friends.  I hated how hard it was to get good medical care and having to travel to do any kind of shopping or activity.  I loved the schools and our ward, our house, and our neighbors.  I was comfortable.  I was fine.

One year ago Jeff and I started talking seriously about making a big change.  It kind of came out of nowhere.  His job went from tolerable to miserable and he clearly was under a lot of stress.  When we first talked about the idea of finding something else it kind of seemed like a "well, this will probably never happen and we'll never have the guts to do anything because we are so comfortable and established here but it's sort of interesting/exciting to think about a change" kind of conversation.

Obviously things happened that made us really feel we needed to move and that pushed us forward to actually do it.  This time it wasn't a 2 hour drive from my comfortable place.  This time it was across the country and away from everything familiar.  At first it was kind of a whirlwind. There were so many emotions and there was so much to do and I didn't really have time to process any of it.  I was scared but I was excited for Jeff.  I felt good about the decision, but I was terrified.  I'm really not adventurous by nature and sometimes I just had to not think about what was coming.

Part of me expected that since we felt so strongly that it was the right
decision for our family everything would be easy.  You know, like we would find a house that was perfect and we would make friends right away and we would just know everything was fine.   If you follow our blog, you will know we didn't find a house.  The first week here kind of felt like vacation.  The second week everything finally hit.  It hit really hard.  I cried a lot.  I felt so out of place.  Everyone even talked different.  People were talking about "buggies" at the grocery store and I had no idea they were referring to a shopping cart.  I was in culture shock.  I didn't have my beautiful, comfortable home.  I didn't have anyone I really knew.  I didn't know why there were so many bugs and I didn't sleep for a week after I saw a cockroach.


All I could think about was what we had left behind.  What if we had made a huge mistake and ruined the future for our girls?  That was my biggest fear.  I would wake up thinking it was just a dream only to discover that it wasn't.  I had some really dark days. The girls would go down for their nap and I would start thinking about how the picture of our future was not what I thought it was and everything would start swirling around me so fast I could hardly breathe. I started having anxiety attacks on occasion.   I tried to be strong for the girls and not let them know I was having a hard time.  I felt what I can only describe as homesick.  I tried to hide how I felt from Jeff because I knew he would feel bad and think it was his fault I felt this way even though it was a decision we both had made.    I felt crippled to make decisions about the future and especially finding a more permanent place to call home.  There were good times too of course.  I would pray and pray and every time I did, I felt peace.  I would try to focus on how much happier Jeff was at work.  I enjoyed the weather, the scenery, and all the fun adventures we were having as a family.

Looking back at this transition period I realize how much closer this difficult time brought me to the Lord.  I needed Him more than I ever had.  Every time I prayed I felt peace that it would be okay and that we were led to make this change.  Maybe the change needed to happen to make me realize how much I needed the Lord in my life.  I know that I have been lifted and guided in ways that I never thought possible this last year.  I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned.  I am especially grateful to finally see and feel that we did in fact make the right decision and that so much good has and is coming from this huge change    I still have some hard days, and I still miss my house but I finally feel like this where we belong and not that we are "just here".  I finally feel at home and it's a really, really happy feeling.